Advice From a Couples Therapist When One Partner Says, “I Am Done.”

Over the course of my career as a couples therapist, I have noticed a pattern among the couples that walk through the (virtual) door of my therapy practice. Most couples fall into one of two categories: distressed and non-distressed. I am fully aware that...

Reclaiming Body Image: 5 Ways to Jumpstart Your Journey Now

Body Image.  What a loaded subject, right?  Many of my clients desire a positive body image, but what does positive body image mean?  I’ll be using the over-arching definition that body image means your perceived sense of what you look like.  Thus, positive body...

Is Interdependence the New Relationship “Secret Sauce?”

“I can’t believe the big day is here! I am so happy and don’t want the feeling to end!” said almost every bride and every groom in nearly every romantic comedy movie out there on their wedding day. Admittedly, on my wedding day, I was happy. It was an...

How Emotionally Intelligent People Use Negative Emotions to Achieve Success

Emotion and emotional expression play a fundamental role in our daily lives.Evolutionary psychologists believe emotions serve a primal function in helping us navigate and adapt to our ever-changing environment. Emotions shape our attitudes, moods, and...

Sexual Narcissism: Why It’s a Problem for Your Relationship and 5 Things You Can Do About It

We all know that relationships are hard; they require us to put our best foot forward each day.Relationships also require us to have realistic expectations about what we can hope to get in return for our efforts. Because when our efforts match our expectations, there...
MENUMENU

Emotion and emotional expression play a fundamental role in our daily lives.

Evolutionary psychologists believe emotions serve a primal function in helping us navigate and adapt to our ever-changing environment. Emotions shape our attitudes, moods, and behaviors and, in many instances, even dictate our success. Emotions are typically categorized as either positive/negative or pleasant/unpleasant. While many people try to avoid negative or unpleasant emotions, emotionally intelligent people learn to use negative thoughts and emotions to their advantage.

Emotions Are Universal

Researchers generally agree that at least six universal emotions exist: fear, disgust, anger, sadness, surprise, and happiness. Positive emotions have been widely studied and shown to promote inner strength and resiliency. In the workplace, positive emotions can help workers generate new ideas and are considered ideal for effective brainstorming. Furthermore, positive emotions promote social bonds by helping us forge relationships with others.

There is no question there is power in positivity. However, some researchers argue other emotions are just as important and should be carefully considered when trying to achieve certain outcomes. Dr. David Caruso from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence shared his insight with me into how a narrow focus on positive emotions can limit our ability to authentically connect with others.

“A relentless focus on positive emotions fails to recognize the fact all emotions can be smart, adaptive, and helpful. As we put on a happy face and ask people ‘how are you?’ in a high-energy pleasant manner, we do not invite honest and open dialogue. We set up a demand that the person we ask the question of provides vapid answers such as ‘great,’ ‘fine,’ or ‘awesome.’ ”

Emotions Serve a Functional Purpose

Emotion theorists believe emotions such as fear, sadness, or frustration serve a functional purpose: they convey certain needs that stimulate corrective action. While some may try to ignore these so-called “negative emotions,” people with high emotional intelligence know all emotions contain important data—and they use that information to their advantage.

Emotional intelligence refers to a person’s ability to identify, understand, and manage emotions. People with high emotional intelligence can effectively integrate their emotions with their thinking to produce desired outcomes. In fact, research has consistently found positive associations between emotional intelligence and workplace performance, making it a highly sought-after competency in corporate America.

Emotionally Intelligent People Harness the Power of Negative Emotions

Emotionally intelligent people quickly learn to identify negative emotions and use them in adaptive ways to achieve greater success. The following are six noted benefits associated with negative emotions:

1. GREATER SELF-AWARENESS

Negative emotions serve a protective function by alerting us to potential threats and letting us know when it’s time to change what we are doing or thinking. Because negative emotions tend to be experienced more strongly, they must be carefully attended to. Emotionally intelligent people take what they learn from their experiences with negative emotions and use that information to increase their self-awareness. This allows them to more accurately identify what they are feeling in future situations and strategically evaluate whether those emotions will best serve them in that moment.

Self-awareness is a key component of success as it improves our judgment and helps us identify opportunities for professional development and personal growth. In fact, many psychologists claim that the healthiest, most effective leaders are the ones who are most self-aware.

2. MOTIVATED ACTION

Negative emotions such as fear or anxiety can be powerful motivators that encourage perseverance. They work by narrowing our field of attention and perception to prepare us to act in specific ways. All humans experience fear, but emotionally intelligent people know how to harness their fear and use it to their advantage.

All humans experience fear, but emotionally intelligent people know how to harness their fear and use it to their advantage.

The intelligent use of fear involves the ability to recognize its presence in the moment and relabel it as something useful. For example, it is natural to feel anxious prior to giving a presentation at work. People with high emotional intelligence recognize symptoms of fear and use cognitive reappraisal to control the fear. They may tell themselves the fear is just their body’s way of giving them the energy they need to give a great performance. In many instances, anxiety can facilitate performance just as easily as it can debilitate it.

3. GREATER ATTENTION TO DETAIL

According to researchers, if you need to review a document for errors, it may be beneficial to foster a slightly negative mood. Negative emotions have been found to be beneficial when engaging in activities that require greater attention to detail. Periods of sadness encourage slower, more systematic cognitive processing. As such, when people experience sadness, they rely less on quick conclusions and pay more attention to subtle details that matter. Negative emotions are useful for alerting us when situations are new or challenging and when greater attention is needed to produce an effective response.

4. ENHANCED CREATIVITY

Negative emotions have been linked to greater creative output. Researchers have found that people experiencing frustration or anger are less likely to think in systematic ways, and more likely to engage in flexible, unstructured thought processes. This type of processing is associated with being able to see the “bigger picture,” which can be beneficial during brainstorming sessions. Furthermore, because anger elicits a more energizing feeling, it can be helpful for generating the sustained attention needed to solve problems more creatively.

5. GREATER PROBLEM SOLVING

Anxiety is a helpful emotion when quick solutions to complicated problems are needed. Anxiety and fear stimulate the body’s fight-or-flight system, which can facilitate problem-solving mechanisms. The fight-or-flight process allows the body to metabolize a significant amount of energy in a short amount of time. This helps prepare the body to act quickly in potentially threatening or uncomfortable situations. Anger can also be beneficial when trying to problem-solve, as it has been linked to better performance in negotiations, especially when they are confrontational in nature.

6. AUTHENTIC PRESENCE

Emotionally intelligent people are open-minded when it comes to their emotions. They objectively evaluate negative emotions, select the ones that will best serve them, put them into practice, and leave the rest behind. This allows them to maintain a high level of congruence between their internal feelings and outward displays of emotion and behaviors. Emotionally intelligent people often value transparency and, because they are not afraid to share their emotions, are generally viewed as genuine and authentic beings.


References

Caruso, D. R., & Salovey, P. (2004). The emotionally intelligent manager: How to develop and use the four key emotional skills of leadership. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons.

Cohn, M. A., Fredrickson, B. L., Brown, S. L., Mikels, J. A., & Conway, A. M. (2009). Happiness unpacked: Positive emotions increase life satisfaction by building resilience. Emotion9(3), 361.

Ekman, P. (1992). An argument for basic emotions. Cognition & emotion6(3-4), 169-200.

Goleman, D. (1996). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Learning24(6), 49-50.

Graham, S. M., Huang, J. Y., Clark, M. S., & Helgeson, V. S. (2008). The positives of negative emotions: Willingness to express negative emotions promotes relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin34(3), 394-406.

Hershfield, H. E., & Adler, J. M. (2012). Mixed emotional experience is associated with and precedes improvements in well-being. ACR North American Advances.

  • Save

Share via